Artifact
by Dark Master 1988
Summary: A strange object has appeared in Meridian from Earth, and it's already in the wrong hands of Cedric and Phobos. But, do they even know what it is? R&R [OneShot] Rated T for Language, Violence, & Sugg. Themes. Read at your own risk. MUHAHAHA!


DM 1988: Ho ho ho, everybody. OK, so it's a littlle late for Christmas, but this is once again another twisted, evil W.I.T.C.H fic featuring Phobos and Cedric, brought to you by yours truly. This time, it's longer, which may be a good or a bad thing depending on you the reader. Well, I better shut up and let you read this sick, twisted fanfic. Remember, read and review.

**Disclaimer: **I would have more talented than this if I created W.I.T.C.H. Simply put, Elisabetta Gnone created this series. I don't own anything, okay. I didn't even create the Nintendo Wii (which is mentioned in this story...a lot) either. We all know who created that.__

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* * *

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**_Heatherfield—December 25, 2006_**

3:30 PM

Sub-zero conditions have blanketed the town of Heatherfield with thick masses of snow and ice. But, that didn't stop the denizens from enjoying the holiday spirit that has filled everyone's hearts.

For the trench coat wearing rebel leader known as Caleb, Christmas was the only time he felt he ever got a break from beheading Phobos's goons as part of his day job (Besides working at the Silver Dragon.) He was making his way towards the Vandom residence while carrying a white box containing something that he wanted to show to his friend Will Vandom.

While en route to his destination, Caleb heard a crash coming from the alleys.

"Don't tell me Blunk's nearby." Caleb muttered as he inspected the area while he was shivering in the bone-chilling afternoon.

As he got closer to the crash site, he looked around suspiciously to see if anyone is around. He didn't want anyone stealing this…thing from him. He is, however, unaware of what might happen next.

_**RRRRRAAAAWWWWRRR!!**_

"Aah!" Caleb yelped as he stumbled back to the trash cans.

There appeared from the dumpster is the overgrown frog-thing named Blunk, who was wearing a mask of a certain Gerudo king.

"Ha ha. Blunk scared Caleb's pants off. Ha ha."

"Blunk, what have I told you about surprising me in pub-" Caleb paused to look at the mask Blunk was wearing. "…What the hell are you wearing?"

"Zombie mask. Girl with long, pig-tailed hair gave it to me."

"Uh, Hay Lin? Man, she has really weird taste in general. Anyways, if you pull that stunt off again, I'm having frog legs for dinner."

Blunk, however, paid no attention as his eyes gazed at the box Caleb had in possession.

"Blunk sees white box. Blunk wants to open it!" boasted the green thing, quickly grabbing the box with excitement. He shook it like a soda can as the contents flew out of the box.

"Blunk, stop it! That thing is-"

_**THUMP!**_

"…fragile."

What came out of the box was a game system with the oddest controller ever devised by man. It appeared as some sort of nun-chuk of sorts. Blunk excitedly swung the controller around.

"Blunk feels like Jackie Chan."

"sighs I am so gonna f--- you up right now over something I don't know anything about. Now give that back to me!"

Caleb took the box from Blunk quickly.

"Now everything is here in the box, right?" Caleb asked.

Blunk nodded as Caleb said, "Good, now get out of here."

As Caleb stormed off towards his destination, Blunk shook his head in disbelief at his acquaintance.

Speaking in a British accent, Blunk said, "Tsk tsk. Caleb, what a misguided fool you are. That object you, Sir Caleb, are carrying is the Nintendo Wii. What a mysterious console man has devised, with the controller using motion sensory technology. I, myself, found it to be rather interesting when I went to local game shop with Hay Lin. How, no one knows, not even you, the reader. Such mysterious wonders this thing I am holding, has."

Blunk decided to follow Caleb for reasons unknown.

* * *

_**Meridian—Phobos's Castle**_

"CCEEEEDDDDDDDDDRRRRIICCC!"

A yell was heard in the medieval-like town of Meridian, the Infinite City. It came from the castle that sat at the foot of the hill. Inside the castle, footsteps were running towards the throne room at a frantic pace.

_**SLAM!**_

The door slammed open, revealing a long haired young man.

"What do you want now, Prince Phobos?!?" Cedric spoke in what little breath he had to his superior.

"Why haven't you ordered your men to pillage the merchant's shop? I'm starving!"

Cedric eyed Phobos like he has already forgotten something they're _not _supposed to do.

"Ah crap. You've already forgotten why were even here in the first place, didn't you. We are to watch the castle while your sister is at Earth with her friends, the so called Guardians."

"What?!? How come she didn't tell me?" moaned Phobos.

"Three obvious reasons..." Cedric exasperatedly sighs. "One: They are your enemies. Two: You have a crush on a couple of them, which is just plain wrong. Three: We're already on every woman in Meridian's hit list, no thanks to you."

"So, what does that have to do Elyon's trip to Earth?" responded the prince.

"May I remind you that Elyon will send her personal _WITCHes _to skin you alive, Willow-style, if she finds ANY evidence on your escapades? GAH!"

Cedric stormed out of the throne room when Phobos asked him to do something on his request.

"Cedric?"

"What is it? It better not be scouting women."

"You know that Passling Blunk? Go find him and take whatever things he may have brought over to this realm. Deny this and I'll have your head."

Cedric didn't like the idea that his superior might chop his head, but then he responded, "Fine, I'll do it. _At least it's better than peeping in on some women for some dumb-ass of royality._"

Cedric then walked out towards the town of Meridian, hoping to find the weird looking frog thing.

* * *

A portal began to open at the outskirts of Meridian. Appearing from the portal was Blunk, with the Heart of Candracar in one hand, which he used to create a portal; and the Wii Controller in his other hand. He swung around the controller like he's some sort of Li Long of _Soul Blade. _He looked like he was having a ball with this as he headed towards the town. After all, he did _borrow _the Heart of Candracar for his bidding. 

"Hmm, Blunk senses evil afoot nearby. Blunk must find evil with this mysterious weapon of mine."

Blunk jumped on top of the roofs of farms in a poorly choreographed manner. He arrived at the westernmost house in Meridian. He searched the area in hopes of finding any of Phobos's men. However, unbeknownst to Blunk, Phobos's men were waiting for him.

"Huh? AAHHH! Monsters!" screamed Blunk as he threw up the controller in the air and ran back to the portal he opened with the Heart. (Don't worry though; he still has it with him.)

As they saw Blunk run back to the portal, Phobos's three guards, Vader, Raider, and Traitor gazed at the controller that Blunk left.

"What is it? Looks like a piece of chalk." Vader stated as he held the controller in his hand.

"Hehe, looks like your wife." Traitor snickered.

"What was that? I ought to hit you with whatever the hell this thing is." Vader growled as he swung the remote at Traitor. However, the remote emitted a strange magic blade and chopped Traitor in half.

"Uh oh. That can't be good."

"No it doesn't, but it sure looked cool." said an awed Raider, completely uncaring of the recent death of Traitor. "Let me try it out."

"NO! I just killed Traitor with this _thing_. I just killed my best friend!" sobbed Vader.

"Come on, I just want to chop the lake in half."

"Fine."

The two Meridian guards walked towards the lake. Raider then yelled as he swung the remote towards the lake. All that was heard was a splash of water.

"Wow, way to show off."

"Shut up. At least I didn't kill one of our cohor- Ungh!"

Raider fell to the ground with a thud as something is pulling the guard towards the lake.

"HEY! Help me out here!'

Vader quickly pulled Raider away from the lake. After a few minutes, they flew off to the ground, pulling with them a hideous looking fish. The two looked in confusion as they caught the fish. There was no line to be seen. The lake didn't get chopped in half. What is this _artifact _that's in their possession?

While they were still sitting on the hides, Cedric yelled at the two guards from behind.

"What are two doing here?!?"

"Uh well, we got this object from that Passling and were checking it out." responded Vader.

"Is that so? Well, where's Traitor?" questioned Cedric.

The two looked at each other as they were the only ones who know what really happened to their former comrade.

"Never mind that! What is that object you have in possession? Hand it to me." demanded Cedric as the two guards handed the remote to him. "Hmm. This thing. What is it?" he whispered to himself.

The remote emitted a strange magic aura when Cedric held it. It zapped a flying Mogriff, forcing it to be under Cedric's control. He shook it around for a few seconds. He continued shaking the remote, unaware that he's controlling a Mogriff.

"I don't know what you guys found from that Passling, but this thing works for sh--." Cedric muttered.

As he continued figuring out the oddly designed controller, the Mogriff couldn't break through the spell and when Cedric threw the remote onto the ground, the Mogriff fell on top of the spiked roof of a nearby house, killing it in the process. Vader picked up the controller that Cedric threw on the ground.

"Ah, forget it. I'll just give it to that retard, Phobos. I'm sure he'll find an idea on what this is."

They decided to head back to the palace where Phobos awaits.

* * *

When they reached the throne room, Phobos was waiting for his servant's arrival. For Cedric, if nothing was met to his expectations, then he's pretty much screwed in a way. Phobos expects much out of Cedric's assignments, not even caring what he feels. 

"Cedric, what took you long?!? I've been waiting for a long time. Did you capture that frog looking guy?"

"No. My men said they scared him away."

"Damn it. This is what I get for having such incompetence in my men, especially Snake Boy." muttered Phobos under breath. "So, anything at all that he left?!?"

"Well, I have a really crappy artifact from the Earth realm." Cedric said as he threw the controller to Phobos.

Phobos looked at the object with confusion. He didn't know what to make of it. Can he use it for anything at all? Like a wand of sorts?

"Well, what is it?" asked Phobos.

"I don't know. You find out."

He swung the controller in Cedric's direction, emitting a flame spear from it. Cedric barely dodged the spell. A small ember caught on to his hair, which immediately engulfed his head in flames.

"Whoa. This is so kick-ass." gasped Phobos. He looked at the remote with utmost awe.

Cedric was still standing, not feeling the pain his head was suffering.

"Yeah, well I'm going to end in flames if you keep gawking at whatever that thing is?"

_**BOOM!**_

Unfortunately, Phobos couldn't take his eyes off long enough to see Cedric mostly bald. The only thing that came out from Phobos's mouth is: "Huh? What was that?"

"…Never mind."

A few minutes later, the long haired fool and his friend (who's wearing a helmet right now, because of that fire fiasco.) were standing outside of the castle, with the Nintendo _Wii_-mote in their hands. Phobos twirled around the remote like a nunchaku.

"Seriously, my prince, what can YOU possibly do with this?"

"What do you mean? I'm gonna show some ladies what I'm _really_ made of."

"Aw, not again with this..."

Phobos aimed the remote at him and granted himself a much bigger, stronger body. He let out a scream as muscles bulged from his body, making him look ripped.

"Argh! Yeah! Now this is what I'm talking about. This _crappy _thing you stated just made my day. With this thing and magic I possess, the ladies will be all over me now." bellowed the muscular Phobos.

"Sure, whatever you say, Incredible Phobos."

"Why thank you."

"Uh, I didn't mean it in a good way. I can already see the Guardians gutting you, _Buffy-_style." lamented Cedric.

"Shut up; now, onwards towards town." Phobos confidentially boomed as each of his steps crumpled the floor with great force.

Cedric sighed, "Yes, sir. We're so screwed."

As they arrived in town, numerous women took notice of Phobos's body, surprisingly with disgust. To them, it seems that Phobos has worked out a little too much.

However…

"See, Cedric? They love my hot, kick-ass body. Hey! There's a cupcake worth looking at." Phobos boasted his voice with cockiness.

"These girls know that you're a lecher and…why am I telling you this?" Cedric sighed as he watched Phobos run towards the young woman coming out of the store.

He caught up with Phobos at the worst time possible. He saw Phobos twirl the Wii-mote like some sort of martial arts master, in a clumsy manner.

Cedric slapped his hand on his helmet in shame. "Why do I even know you?"

As he watched his friend make himself look like a nerd in public, Phobos thought he was at the top of his game. However, he stopped moving because he got an arm cramp.

"Ahh! A little help would be nice, Cedric."

Cedric growled in annoyance as he went over towards Phobos and grabbed the Wii-mote. "Damn it, Phobos! Give me that!" He then cast a spell to return Phobos's body back to his regular state.

Phobos glared at Cedric as his body returned back to normal.

"What the hell do you do that for? I almost had a date going for me. Now I'm a weak pretty boy again, thanks to you."

Cedric sighed at him and has stated that it could've been a lot worse if he hadn't grabbed the remote in time. They decided to head back to the castle after what happened today.

* * *

Once they reached the castle, the only thing that occupied both Cedric and Phobos's mind is relaxing their troubles away. Cedric went to the easternmost part of the castle to read a scroll on the Dark Arts, while Phobos was taking a nap. And please, don't ask what he's dreaming about, okay? 

As the two have become preoccupied with their activities; Raider and Vader came in the throne room discussing rather trivial issues.

"So what if you're worried that the Guardians could ambush us. They won't hurt your wooden Angel-robot thing. They haven't attacked us in weeks, so stop worrying, you chicken." said Vader.

"But I swear, I'm having nightmares about those killer faeries, every night. I just know they come in here and kill us." Raider panicked

"Stop whining or I'll really give you something to cry." Vader threatened as he looked around for something to smack or otherwise severely injure Raider.

"Hmm, there's got to be something around here to shut that guy up." Vader thought as he spotted the controller he saw earlier. "Oh, this will be perfect. Oh, Raider…" He spoke in an evil tone.

Over the next hour, fighting has erupted the entire throne room, waking up Phobos from his nap.

_**CRASH!**_

"Huh? Holy sh--! We're under attack! Cedric, get in here NOW!"

What he saw was two of his men choking each other with what Phobos called the 'Miracle Wand' (the controller.)

"…son of a……$#...assface…!"

The two guards were shouting and cursing as each of them try to gain control of the Wii-mote in order to do unimaginable things to one another, like choking each other to death.

Phobos, getting impatient with Cedric taking his time to get to the throne room (like always), he shouted, "JUST WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TWO FIGHTING ABOUT?!?"

"Uh, nothing…" They both replied innocently.

"Just look at this! You two have caused this room to look like a dumpster! And give me back my Miracle Wand!" He grabbed the controller from Raider.

"Aw."

"You two have disappointed me, especially after fighting over something that belongs NOT to you, but to me. Besides, I can't afford to lose anymore men. Anyways, what if Queen Elyon were to arrive here, right..." Phobos stopped speaking at the surprising sight of his sister Elyon. "…now? H-hey, little sister..."

Elyon, having just arrived from her visit on Earth, looked at _her _throne room in shock. Her photo frames of her family were smashed; flowers lay crumpled on the marble floor; layers of papers covered the floor, containing pictures of…you know. Elyon was fuming with anger and fury. Her eyes were flaming red, which scared those who in the room.

"I asked you and your goons to watch the place, not turn it into a pigsty." Elyon whispered with her teeth clenched.

Phobos knew that he was in hot seat, so he tried to do his best to address the situation: He starts to play the Blame Game.

"It was Cedric! He told them to fight over this thing we found."

Elyon didn't buy it, saying, "And you wonder why Cedric hates you with a passion. You blame everything on him just so you can get out of trouble. Well, we'll just see if…wait? What thing? Is that?"

Elyon walked over to Phobos and grabbed the Nintendo Wii-mote. She took a gander of it.

"What is this controller doing here in Meridian? Let me guess: Blunk." She sighed as she opened a portal back to Earth and threw the controller out of the Metamoor.

"What did you do that for?" asked Phobos.

* * *

_**Heatherfield**_

The portal opened in the back alleys of the Silver Dragon. The controller flew out from the portal and towards Blunk. Blunk, at the time, was digging in the trash dumpster again.

_**THUNK!**_

The controller knocked him out cold into the snow.

* * *

_**Back at the castle**_

"Where was I?"

"Not harming me?" pleaded Phobos.

"NO. I was going to punish you for making my kingdom all trashy." Elyon bellowed as she grabbed her brother through her powers and turned him upside down. Phobos's stomach felt weird after a few minutes, and that was only part one of the punishment.

Cedric came into the throne room with a box full of scrolls in his hands. Elyon turned her head towards Cedric with a smile.

"Hi, Cedric. I got you a present for you."

The light-headed Phobos immediately invoked his anger to Cedric.

"Cedric, how come Elyon treats you like you're her boyfriend and get presents from her?!?"

Cedric shrugged his shoulders and simply stated, "I'm not her boyfriend. I just do my job of keeping YOU in line."

"Hey, come on, pal. Help me down here; I'm starting get light-headed here."

Cedric ignored him as he opened his present from Elyon.

"Fine; screw you. I don't need your help. I'll just do it myself. If Elyon didn't threw away my Miracle Wand."

* * *

_**Heatherfield**_

6:00 PM

Blunk grabbed the Wii-mote and glanced at it with somewhat great importance

Talking in a different voice, Blunk said, "Blunk realizes there's still evil afoot. Blunk must set out to find it."

With that said, Blunk set out into the night, tripping over some trash cans along the way

A few moments later, Caleb walked to that same area where Blunk once was, searching for something.

"Great. Where's that controller…?"

* * *

DM 1988: Where did this idea come from? Well, even though I play a lot of Nintendo games, I found their new console(which I don't have right now, nor do I plan to buy it, YET) to be very odd, especially the controller that looks like some sort of nunchakus. I mean, it's something people could strangle each other with. LOL. As for appearing in Meridian, well Blunk likes to bring random crap into that realm, so why not the Wii-mote. Also, as for the magic appearing from the Wii-mote, their magic must've triggered it. Though I don't know what you guys feel about this story, I'll just say tell me in your reviews what you think. READ AND REVIEW! 


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